A Taiwanese Chronicle (1/?) : Identity Crises, Transient Global Amnesia, Airport Delays, Oh My!
ダブる
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ダブる 〰️
Identity Crisis
A close friend of mine once told me that in Japan they call biracial people ダブる (Daburu), meaning they’re not two halves, but instead two wholes of something. Growing up I always felt like I was an imposter, never genuinely fitting in. I wish I could say that feeling disappeared with my adolescence when I entered adulthood, but it didn’t. It wasn’t until the beginning of 2020 that I truly started to embrace both sides of my identity.
I know to some extent, everyone has an identity crisis. For me, it wasn’t as simple as not knowing the direction in which my life was headed (although this is still very much relevant to me too). It was that no matter where I looked, I couldn’t find someone who looked quite like me. As we progress through time, society is starting to understand the importance of representation. Growing up in the 90s and early 00s, my life severely lacked that and it was quite lonely.
There was a surplus of Caucasian people in the media, sometimes the occasional POC. However, it was rare to see someone represent those that come from multicultural backgrounds, especially in the Asian community. As a result I found myself resenting my identity a lot, even when I was too young to make sense of what my feelings meant. All I knew was that I wanted to look like everybody else. When I entered high school, I tried embracing my Taiwanese culture more, but instead became a token Asian friend to most. I ended up losing my identity completely, and became a caricature of a “kawaii” Asian person until my twenties when I started to discover myself again.
Unfortunately, the more I became connected to myself the more emotionally disconnected I became with my family history and culture from both sides. Things changed in January of 2020 (for a multitude of reasons) when my mother and I traveled together to her home country of Taiwan. After almost 18 years, I was finally able to visit my family again. It was an emotional journey of self-exploration and rebuilding familial relationships that were seemingly lost in time.
Transient Global Amnesia
Transient global amnesia: is a sudden, temporary episode of memory loss that can't be attributed to a more common neurological condition, such as epilepsy or stroke.
In December it seemed as if things were running rather smoothly. Our plane tickets were purchased, my family in Taiwan were informed of our arrival, and our AirBnB/hotels were booked. Things took a dramatic turn a week prior to my mother and I’s departure one Friday evening. I stopped by after work and things were ordinary until she casually said “I had a dream that we were going to Taiwan next week”. It was happening again.
Approximately five years earlier she had an out of the blue bout with memory loss. It lasted for around 24 hours the first time. The second incident lasted just a couple of hours. By the time we arrived to the ER she was almost back to her usual self. Both occurrences she knew who she was and the people around her, but recent events felt like a dream. Each time doctors were puzzled and never gave a cause. While we waited in the ER a close friend stumbled across information about TGA. It made the most sense and the doctors said it was likely.
Traveling to Taiwan was stressful enough. Paired with not having a conclusive answer to my mother’s health made things unbearably nerve-racking.
Mingling in ORD
It was January 16, 2020 on a dark, chilly Thursday morning. I hardly slept the night before from the excited travel jitters and nonstop thoughts of what seeing my family would be like after so long. Besides the transient global amnesia, the rest of the week went by without any additional circumstances. This put my mind at ease, and I allowed myself to breathe easy. If only I had known what was lurking in the dark corners of my disquieting future.
My dad dropped my mom and I off at the Evansville Regional Airport where we would catch our 6:00 a.m. flight to O’Hare (my least favorite airport). It was my first time flying as an adult internationally so my nerves were growing shaky. Then the start of our downhill luck slowly began.
Our United flight was originally supposed to have a 4 hour layover, but it quickly turned into six and then eight. We originally boarded our flight, but the cargo door had a malfunction of sorts, and thus we had to de-board the plane to wait for an incoming flight from Narita. Once that plane arrived, it would need to be re-fueled and then sent back (if my memory serves me correctly).
Everyone that existed with my mother and I in the nice corner gate of our terminal were all frustrated but otherwise in good spirits. The majority of our fellow travelers tried catching some Z’s by sleeping on benches or the floor. It was inevitable that all of us would miss our connecting flights from Narita to our final destinations, so it was wise to gather sleep when the opportunity presented itself.
My mom and I remained awake, chatting and browsing our devices for small forms of entertainment when a nice older Taiwanese woman approached us. Accompanying her was a local Filipina woman. Their names were Grace and Pearl. Before greeting my mother and I, they too became acquainted at the airport. Grace was about the same age as my mother, and Pearl was perhaps a few years younger than them. It turns out, Grace was also Taiwanese and we would be on the same flight together. She was returning to Taipei for a few months to visit family for Chinese New Year. Pearl was headed to the Philippines (where she was originally from) to reunite with relatives she hadn’t seen in a few years.
They were the kindest people I had ever met. Even though our newfound friendship was short lived, their company was one of the highlights of my trip. Perhaps it was because they thought I was 15 years old and were shocked that I’d be turning 29 that year. Or perhaps it’s a simpler reason; they were genuinely kind, sincere people that were pleasant to talk to.
ORD -> NRT
480 minutes later, we boarded our new flight. The second plane was newer and was not only more comfortable, but felt like it wouldn’t blow into pieces if the wind was strong enough. Much of this flight was uneventful. At this point in time COVID-19 wasn’t an international sensation yet, so masks weren’t even an afterthought in the United States.
To my right, there was a man wearing an eye/face mask combination. Coming from an Asian background, this was pretty normal to me. It did however inspire me to purchase a few in Taiwan just for the sake of it. The man was so exhausted, he almost fell asleep on my shoulder and slept the entire duration of the flight. The airplane food was adequate and I watched a few unmemorable in-flight films.
13 and a half hours later we finally arrived in Narita where the airport staff patiently awaited the plane’s arrival. Since they were expecting us they had hotel vouchers and shuttle buses ready to take us to Narita Airport’s hotel so all of us could get some much needed rest for the next morning’s rescheduled flights.
Even though getting to Taiwan was chaotic, I remember myself being excited to technically be in a country I haven’t been to before. I still don’t consider myself ever having been to Japan, but seeing hiragana, katakana, and driving on the opposite side of the rode filled me with a sense of excitement. I so badly wanted to hop on a bus and go to Tokyo, but the timing wouldn’t have been feasible.
When we finally arrived to the hotel, all of the plane’s passengers waited in line so they could get their room keys. The front desk staff were so kind, giving us hot meals due to our delay. My mom and I excitedly ate our food (Rice, Japanese curry, Asian salads, and two cans of pineapple juice) in our room and snooped around the room to see what a Japanese hotel experience was like. Outside of our room were Christmas lights on display despite it being late January. Everything felt so magical and perfect.
My mom dozed off shortly after that, but I was too ecstatic to sleep. I stayed up and danced around in the bathroom until the sun came up. Before we knew it, we were packing our bags and headed back to the airport. We had our priorities in order though. We went to the buffet, filled our greedy stomachs, boarded another flight and headed onwards to Taiwan.
[To be continued…]
XOXO,
Keisha