Life changes, and That’s okay.
In January I broke up with my ex-partner of 8.5 years. I knew we weren’t meant to be together, but the thought of a life outside of the one I knew was horrifying. I was complacent in my own life. It was as though I was experiencing the bystander effect, standing idly by watching someone die. Metaphorically I suppose you could say I was.
Any semblance of a bright and functioning future was slipping through my fingers. My 20s weren’t a complete bust. I had my fair share of meaningful and unforgettable experiences sprinkled throughout the past decade. However, I never truly lived in the way that I was meant to. It terrified me.
Strangely on my mother’s birthday something clicked. Like a hypnotist snapping their fingers releasing me from a trance, I suddenly realized I couldn’t do it anymore. If I stayed, my life would be doomed to repeat the same cycle of mundanity and dissatisfaction I judged so many others for. I was tired of being a hypocrite, and I wanted to rid myself of this never-ending cycle before I reached year nine. So I did.
There was an hour left of work, and out of nowhere a wave of all the things I didn’t know how to say came to me. I scribbled a heartfelt speech onto a post-it note, and made my very short commute home. He knew something had shifted, and for a long while. In fact, I had locked myself inside of my own head for weeks prior and didn’t allow him in. It’s not my proudest moment. I entered my soon to be temporary residence, sat down with a somber sigh, and told him I had something to say.
I sheepishly read my speech, and he said “I just want you to be happy” through a defeated voice.
It went well, until it didn’t (Life lesson: you can’t be friends with an ex unless both parties are emotionally mature and stable individuals).
By the next week, I moved in with a friend and it was the first time I had to take care of just myself. I was scared, unsure of if I could do it. You see, I always put my efforts towards other people (parents, friends, boyfriends, etc.) and never myself. On the flip side, when it came to life, I always had someone taking care of me (parents, boyfriends). It was a perpetual comfy hell full of anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem.
Now, I’m in the comforts of my favorite month (Spooktober). Just like that fateful day in January, my imaginary hypnotist snapped their fingers yet again. My self-doubt has lifted, and I have taken HUGE steps for Keishakind. I am still leagues away from being where I want to be, but it is in these moments that I can be proud of myself for how far I’ve come (and in less than a year!).
Things I’ve done thus far:
Gotten a wonderful job that I’ve been trying to get for years.
Met the man of my dreams, and (with luck) will be in a healthy functional relationship when the timing is right.
Am no longer afraid to take chances.
Have become a better daughter and friend.
Only hate myself half of the time.
Am losing weight in a healthy manner.
Taking steps to further my education and opening doors for my future.
Setting up boundaries for myself.
Becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be inside and out. (I no longer look like a depressed, unkempt, swamp witch. Just a happy, confident, kempt swamp witch).
A compassionate, more patient, better and less bitter person.
With this blog post I simply wanted to say: as a person that thought I’d always be stuck, know we don’t have to be. Some circumstances are more difficult than others, but when things change (whether good or bad) there is always an alternative route. Fear keeps us stagnant, and sometimes all we have is throwing caution to the wind. Good luck.
XOXO,
Keisha